It’s not a WANT, it’s a NEED

Hey, Guy’s I know it been a while since I’ve posted anything but I’ve been so busy juggling writing books, being a mom, and trying to find that motivation. I will try to post something once a day…keyword (TRY).

Do you know what it feels like to crave something? to the point were every fiber in your being comes to life when you hear its name? That’s how I feel about BDSM, ever since watching the movie 50 Shads of Gray, it’s all I can think about, all I read about, and all I hear. I know they say curiosity killed the cat; in this instance, I would hope that’s exactly what happens (lol). I never thought I’d be the type to be into something like that, to be honest, I never considered myself to be submissive, I’ve never craved to be controlled or dominated. Not only is it not common in my culture but also in my household, So where did this need come from? was it always there? Is it why I’ve always craved more during sex? I honestly don’t know the answer to those questions, but I feel once I dive into the lifestyle I will be both nervous and excited about what I manage to uncover. I have spoken to a couple “DOMs”, and each has said, “you won’t really know how you will feel about the lifestyle until you try it”.

My mind goes into hyperdrive when I try to think about all the things that could happen to me, I also have my fears and I think that’s what’s stopping me from diving head first into the lifestyle. The biggest fear I have is being seen as a slave… I understand that’s a terminology that’s widely used in BDSM, however, as a black woman “SLAVE”, just isn’t something I want to be called. I don’t even know if I could process or categorize it as anything other than racist, many of my friends agree. Honestly, I believe that’s why most African Americans won’t even consider trying BDSM; the first thing they say is ” Oh hell naw I’m not about to be whipped across my back calling someone master”. What I will say is, I understand where they’re coming from, however, something in me still longs for that lifestyle.  My second biggest fear is that I’ll meet the wrong Dom, and instead find some crazy person hiding behind the lifestyle preying on women. I don’t want to get severely hurt or worst killed, you can never fully trust a person and that scares me.`

It’s simple I want something more than just the traditional intercourse that leads to you going on your way and me going mine. I don’t want a “yes man”, and ladies I’m sure whether you choose to admit it or not we’ve all come across the yes man. You know the man that says ” it doesn’t matter to me, its whatever you want”, they never put up and argument or debate about anything and they let you walk all over them; making all of the choices in the relationship. Ya’ll know what I’m talking about, nothing irks me more than a man that allows me to march all over him, I don’t want to be in control in the relationship but I won’t just bend for anyone. I need to be broken like a wild stallion.

When most people see this they shy away from it or claim that its some form of abuse, however, I see passion, I see two people so lost in each other. I see something that I crave and want, I see a man, not an abuser but a man smitten by his partner, I see a woman so lost in the love she has for him. I see art, beautiful raw art; something that in the “vanilla” world doesn’t exist; I’ve lived the vanilla life all of my life and never once have I felt this kind of passion. Never have I ever felt the feeling of being craved by a man, never have I ever experienced what it was like to truly trust in your mate. To have someone know your body, and push your body pass limits you didn’t even know you had, who wouldn’t want that? what woman would want to feel protected, owned, adored, by their significant other? To the point where you’re the only one he sees? to be the object of his desire on a level no other woman could ever interfere not compete with? I don’t know about you ladies but I want that and I’m not ashamed to say it….

Of all the classifications that fall under BDSM, I’d like to think I would relate more to a middle/ sub rather than anything else. I don’t want to dominate nor control a man I’m trying to relinquish control, I say I’m middle because I have some of the characteristics of a little. I like teddy bear:), cuddle sessions, I love to color, I love everything artsy, I love to watch cartoons and I mean all day I’d prefer Disney movies and cartoons to regular t.v. In all honesty, I’m a big kid lol, I’m not ashamed of it, its who I am; I’m a brat I can be very mischevious and I love to challenge when I can but I’m not blatantly defiant.  However, unlike a little I don’t do baby talk, nor do I do pacifiers, bottles etc; its just not my thing but I need the softer dom, someone gentle and nurturing but still firm and strict, and I still need to be put in my place from time to time 🙂 hey I like to play. So I have only one thing left to say

 Daddy Dominate me, please…

The Catfish Saga Continues

I’m sure in one of my post you have heard me speak on catfishing and my experience with it; well let me tell you it hasn’t gotten any better. In fact, I just recently had to stop talking to a guy because I found out he lied about who he was. Before I get into my feelings on catfishing I’ll tell you what happened; So while I was posting a picture to my Instagram I got a notification that someone had dm’ed me. I didn’t know who the guy was and I never saw him before but he was gorgeous like super gorgeous.

  I mean panty dropping, heart-stopping gorgeous, we chatted and he wanted to get to know me. Of course in the back of my mind is like “ok now what do you really want?”, because to me it screamed Scam City. I talked to some friends about my feelings, I told them about the doubts, my body just screamed this isn’t right but I’m always like that. So one of my close friends say “don’t worry give him the benefit of the doubt you know how you do”, my other friend said, ” if it doesn’t feel right then don’t do it… but who knows?”. So, between the two I decided to go ahead and talk to the guy. At first, it was simple introductions you know the typical ” how are you?”, ” what you up to?”.  I didn’t get any bad vibes in the beginning so I went with it, we said our goodbyes and that was that. The next day he contacted me again, I thought it was cute that he was showing so much interest; we started chatting more and somewhere along the line he wanted to date. I told him no, because, I was having trust issues and I wasn’t sure how I felt about him; I decided that we were going to just be friends and let whatever happens, happen naturally. He would hit me up from time to time just to say hi and see how I was, I thought it was cute; a week later he decided to try again and ask if we could date. This time I said okay, I know it was stupid on my part, he would send me videos from time to time and let me tell you they looked soo real; he seemed like a really sweet guy. He never asked me for money, all he did was talk to me like any normal man would.

            That’s right you read it, I should have run for the hills when I got the chance but noo, I just had to go against my better judgment. As our conversations progressed I noticed after 7 p.m. he would disappear, but not only that he never called and when I tried to talk to him about it he deflected the question and always changed the subject. My curiosity got the better of me, and I decided I would do a reverse search on a picture he gave and ZING!! he turned out to be a bodybuilder. I was pissed because, at the end of the day, I had always been honest from the beginning. When I sent him the information I found he confessed, and that was the end of that. So to make sure no one else goes through what I went through, these are the five signs you’re being catfished.

1. They refuse to talk on the phone. – Always be cautious if someone doesn’t want to be on the phone because they could be in a relationship and can’t talk out of fear of getting caught.
2. They’re always on the move.– Let’s be real nobody and I mean nobody is ripping and running the streets 24/7. At some point, you have to have some downtime unless you want to appear busy so you never have to meet someone.
3. Their profile has tons of errors. – You and I both know there’s an app named Grammarly if a person page has a ton of grammatical errors, or they sound like they speak broken English. More than likely there from another country trying to pass as American.
4. They get serious way too quickly.– Ok, this has to be hands down the most obvious sign, yet, it’s also the most overlooked. If you’re talking to someone and they start talking about being in love with you or calling you baby and you’ve only been talking for two or three days… yep… that’s right WELCOME TO CATFISH LANE.
5. They ask for cash a lot.– If you’re talking to someone and they ask you to give them $50 dollars her $100 dollars there, and you begin to become a personal atm no matter how long you’ve been talking your being catfished they’re only after you’re money.

                                                                                                    Let me say this, I don’t care how you feel about yourself; if you have to steal someone’s pictures and create a different identity just to get their attention. You’re probably attracting the wrong kind of people, it is never okay to steal someones personal photos and pass them off as someone else. There are feelings involve, and you never once take into consideration that everything that’s done in the dark comes to light, it may seem like you’re getting away with it but you’re not. Think of it this way, suppose you’re a great guy, you say all the right things and you grasp someone’s attention. You guys make a connection but due to the fact that you’re not who you say you are, the guilt begins to eat you alive. Yet, you’re too afraid to tell the woman who you are because you know she would leave. Is it really worth the heartache the both of you will go through? I don’t think it is; you can’t play with someone’s emotions just because you’re insecure with either what you have or who you are. Online dating is becoming far too dangerous, the only thing its doing is making it easier for a new form of identity theft. I mean take into consideration the person’s images you’re using. Can you imagine all the hateful e-mails and sad stories they have read, because they’ve been accused of something that never happened? We have to stop this, to all of those who like myself choose to date online, please pay attention to your gut if it’s saying something is up more than likely it is…. and to those who are catfishing people for the hell of it no caring who’s feelings you hurt…

 

Until next time…

A Dangerous Game

Hey guys, have you ever met someone and everything seems to be going perfect, but slowly you’re starting to see red flags? You try to convince yourself that maybe you’re just seeing things, or maybe you’re just so broken from the people before that everything seems like a flag. I have heard this many times, I myself struggle with this constant feeling; it eats you alive and you look at people differently. I wasn’t always like this though, I use to be so optimistic, I use to be alive, I use to be vibrant, I use to see the good in everyone…Naive right? Over the years my heart has hardened, a defense against all the lies, games, and scams. Against the ” I’m here for you baby always and forever”, ” I love you with all my heart”, “I promise to never hurt you”. Let me explain something to you… I don’t know if you know this but, when you use such statements and promises to anyone, there is a chance that they might actually hold you to these promises.

                                                                                                            Surprised right? You may think this is a joke but it’s not, somewhere right now some poor soul is being verbally fed a line of crap. You know what the sad part is? The person feeding them has no intentions on following through with anything they’re saying. It hurts to know people can be so cruel, what’s the point of conversing with me if you have no intentions on following through? Back in the day (before my generation), when you dated someone or took the time to get to know someone the end goal was MARRIAGE. That’s right ladies and gentlemen MARRIAGE. You didn’t serial date people for the heck of it, there were no competitions on seeing who could bag the most women, or who has the highest body count. Now its a load of bull@#$*, now its taken out of context, now when you say the words “I Love You”,  its like saying thank you after a sneeze. The word LOVE used to hold so much worth but has been reduced to mere pleasantries. The problem is, there are far too many people playing games, too many fools who are emotionally unavailable; but instead of battling their demons, they choose to spread the sick disease to the rest of us.

      You’re playing a very dangerous game when you play with the emotions of a person who has been broken so many times. If I go out of my way, to be honest, and tell you that I have been hurt and lied too; why would you even think it was okay to play games with me in the first place. Do you know how hard it is for a person who has trust issues to put it all aside and take a chance with you? The nights we sit up and worry if we’ve made a mistake in letting our guards down? The LEAST you could do is be honest with your intentions. Stop being cowards hiding behind lies and promises when you know you were never going to be shit anyway.

      So, this guy writes me online, of course, my first instinct is to be like ” nah, not going to happen”, but I figured I needed to come out of my comfort zone. This could be something, but if I let my fears take control I might miss out on a blessing; so I decided to write him back. He asked me how I was and proceeded to have a conversation with me, he was a sweet guy never overstepping his boundaries. He would write me every day, some days it was just to see how I was, others were deep conversations about life. I’m a grown woman so I can admit that I am naive, I wanted “love” so bad that I missed all the flags. I missed the fact that we never video chatted, I missed the fact that he never stayed on the phone long, I missed the fact that he only contacted me at certain times of the day. I was so swept up in his sweet words and his amazing appearance, that I didn’t see what was right in front of me. Against my better judgment, I decided to accept his proposal of being in a committed relationship; honestly, I thought it was going to be something magical. However, it was filled with arguments, nights of crying, I worried about where he was? what was he doing? was he being truthful? why does he only contact me at certain times? why does he deflect all of my questions? Most importantly why am I still in this relationship?

      It took me 3 months to answer that question and I finally realized I just wanted to feel wanted by someone. 

     I wanted to feel love, I wanted to feel like I mattered to someone other than my family, I believed every lie he told even though I knew it wasn’t the truth. I made myself stupid just so I could accept the bull he was feeding me, it’s funny what a broken person will do just to feel whole again. Eventually, I got tired of the games and when I got tired of playing I wanted out, but he would continuously feed me the same line on how much I meant to him. Or, tell me I was the most important person in his life. You know what? for the sake of not being alone I almost believed him, but then my brain and heart were like…

    So I let it all go, but I have noticed since that day my faith in men has dwindled to almost nonexistent, I don’t trust them anymore. Im, sure there are some good ones left, but after going through what I have, I’m too tired to even fight anymore. I’m too tired to play the game of LOVE. It a very dangerous game to play and people can get seriously hurt, it’s just, not something I’m will deal with any longer. Do I want to love? YES, however, am I willing to turn a blind eye for the sake of having someone in my life, just so he can lie to me and have me out here looking like a damn fool? NO; and to the next guy that thinks he will play with my emotions and stomp on my heart. Be careful when you playing that dangerous games, because unlike me…

 

Until next time…

 

To: Those waiting for the PERFECT ONE

Let me start by saying this there is no such thing as the PERFECT anything, I don’t care what anyone says if they tell you there is a perfect person its a lie. I’m willing to debate anyone on this subject. So this is for the billions of men and women looking for that Mr/Mrs. perfect.

 To Her:  Dear Ladies,

        There is no such thing as a  perfect man, honestly, think about it this way how many men have you come across in your lifetime? have you not always found something in them that you didn’t like? Maybe this one was too short, too tall, too long down below, not long enough down below, too fat, too muscular, too arrogant, not confident enough, too much of a player, too much of a jerk, too selfish. I mean seriously the list goes on; but that’s the problem sis we have to stop trying to find a man that will treat us like the characters in a Disney movie. They don’t exist, I’m guilty of this as well, I wanted the perfect man; I wanted him to be everything I wanted him to be. I wanted him to know the count of my heartbeat, I wanted him to know when I was happy, sad, scared, hurt when I wasn’t feeling good about myself. I wanted him to be in the kitchen with me every day, I wanted this human to do so many unrealistic things and in reality, with each characteristic, I was adding to my perfect man wish list, I didn’t know I was pushing men away.

           They don’t have time to be magician’s and fulfill all of your dreams, plus be the breadwinner in the family; fight the bullies, be a sex god, and look like Adonis at the same time. That’s just unfair and unrealistic, we can’t expect them to give us validation when we don’t feel good about ourselves. Men love differently then we do, you want him to say ” hey baby, I just wanted to let you know you’re the most beautiful girl in the world and I only have eyes for you. Every time I see you my heart skips a beat. I’m the luckiest man in the world because I have you”. However, he will say “you okay? you need anything? you eat today? be safe, you look cute, I’m here if you need me”. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less, it’s just his way of expressing himself. Men are not feminine they’re not designed to be al mushy. They’re designed to protect, provide, and populate, can we really fault them for being themselves? In the same instance know when a man is playing games with your heart, because they’re designed to gather whether it is things or women. (no offense men), but they’re not the brightest when it comes to communication, so please don’t expect them to read your mind, and don’t fault them if your in an argument and they don’t apologize the exact way you had it in your head, we don’t think the same. 

 

 TO HIM: Dear Men,

        Let’s get a few things straight women come in all different shapes and sizes and it’s very disrespectful for you guy’s to think that women are supposed to look like Kim Kardashian, Rhianna, Beyonce, and any other crazy fantasy you may have. Women are sensitive creatures we are designed to be that way. We are here to nurture, there is no such thing as the perfect woman, you’re never going to find a woman that will have the body of a gymnast after popping out babies. There is no such thing as a woman who will not nag, watch all the sports you like, cook 24/7, not feel insecure at some point, want sex every night. No woman is going to look pretty 24/7, we are not paintings or magazines that are only here for you to stare at that’s unrealistic. Women like attention, you’re not going to find a woman that’s okay with you spending all your time with your guys while we sit in the house and watch chick flicks all day. We are not going to cater to your every whim, at some point you do have to do things for yourself. You’re not going to find a woman who will be totally ok with you sleeping around with multiple women, you’re not going to find a woman who will not expect you to have some form of communication with her.

       You will not find a woman who won’t cry when you hurt her feelings. We are not one of your boys so please stop treating us like so. Be more accepting and top spending so much time with your head in the magazines or staring at models thinking that’s what beauty is and everyone should look like that. No, you’re not going to find a woman ok with you being sarcastic, we do not like when you’re wishy-washy; don’t be all lovey-dovey when it’s just us, then neglect us when you’re around your guys. You’re never going to find a woman who will be okay with letting you play the games all day, never doing chores, and picking up after you 24/7. We are partners not maids. Women love differently, don’t deny us when we try to see how you’re doing, or when we want to do something special for you. Stop telling us lies as if we don’t know you well enough to know when your telling lies its an insult to our intelligence. We like adventure, sometimes you have to be romantic no we don’t expect it 24/7, however, gentlemen we do expect it. By the way, we do still believe in gentlemen and chivalry.

    

There is no perfect man/ woman!!!!

Seriously, folks, I’m not making this up, everyone is going to have some type of flaw or come with some type of baggage. However, the key to love is finding what suits YOU, what type of baggage are you okay with? My mother once said, “Charyse, sometimes you have to be a fool for love”. I didn’t understand it at first but I do now, she was saying sometimes you have to be willing to turn a blind eye, not every battle is worth fighting and sometimes its ok to back down from an argument for the sake of saving your relationship. It’s not being dumb it’s being smart enough to know that everyone has faults, the grass isn’t greener on the other side, everything that glitters isn’t gold and all that good stuff.

 

So until next time…

From: Women, To: Men

Hey Guys, so today I wanted to do thing a little different; I had a friend of mine look up 13 questions men have always wanted to ask women. No, every man may not want to know them but for those that did, they will be answered. I have taken the liberty of asking a few women their opinion’s as well as my own, so let’s see what they say. ( FYI) These are all real women with real opinions, answering real questions.

Do you seriously want us to be HONEST with you?   

C: Yes, I seriously want you to be honest with me, I’m a blunt person I will always be honest with you so I expect the same in return. I don’t want a relationship built of lies even if you think it will hurt my feelings.

The1: Yes, Only cut me once don’t deceive me because that will get you roped and dragged behind a truck.

L: Honesty is VERYYYYYYY important. Some guys lie because they do not how the outcome would be. I would prefer/love for any male, to be honest with me regardless if we are in a relationship or not. Most guys lie because they do not want to hurt the female feelings. At this point, a guy has to ask himself, “If the female lied to me how would I feel.”

K: Yes, because I don’t want you to lie to me and then tell me about honest relationships.

N: Yes, we want y’all to be honest with us! Why do y’all think we ask for honesty? We can make the choice to leave or stay off of the truth. With the lie, we’re forced to act off of what we believe to be the truth.

How many dates should a couple go on before moving it to a home setting?             

C: I would say at least 5 or 6 dates just so we can truly get a feel of one another outside of intimacy because in my opinion if I’m in your house and we are vibing sex is bound to happen.                                                                                                                             

The1: 9 or 10 dates, because what if something goes wrong and I want to get rid of you? Then you start acting crazy an I have to shank you on the porch.

L: The number of dates does NOT determine when a couple should move into a home setting. Before moving in with each other, there should be an understanding of stability and consistency.

K: About 3 to 5 dates before you switch it to cooking me dinner in your home.

N: I think the dating thing is up to the couples. Some move faster than others. But, move at your own speed and not how anyone else wants you to move.

How important is the “physical attraction?”                 

C: I would say it moderately important, No I won’t base everything on that because looks fade over time. However, I do have to be attracted to you.

The1: Very important, honestly that’s the first thing you notice about a person and that’s the first thing a man see’s I have to find you attractive.

L: Physical attraction plays a mutual role for me. Everyone is unique in their own way, but honestly, it all depends on what you bring to the table.

K: It is really important, I have to give physical attraction.

N: Physical attraction isn’t all that important. Our physical aspects will change drastically anyway. All that’ll be left is our hearts anyway ❤️🤷🏾‍♀️

Would you date a man with more than one child?         

C: Yes, I would, however, I would counter it with do you want more children? because if he has more than one there is a chance he may not want anymore and I don’t want to be penalized because you have multiple children. The problem isn’t the children but the mother of the children that mess up the relationship. I have a child of my own so I would be a hypocrite if I expected a man to date me with a child and me not date him because he has more than one.

The1: Yes, I would and I have but he needs to be honest about whether or not he wants more kids. Idon’twant baby momma drama because I will Sparta kick your baby momma but treat your children like gold.

L: As of yesterday, I always said to myself that I would never want to date a guy with kids because I refuse to deal with the baby mama drama. No matter what anyone says there will always be baby mama regardless. The child mom may become jealous of me, does not want me touching her child or even wanting to get back the child father. Currently, I would not mind being a step-mom I honestly do not want kids, but that may change.

K: Yes because I love kids.

N: It depends on the situation. I don’t want a man with multiple baby mothers. If he had a wife and it simply didn’t work out, I’d consider it.

Do you expect us to defend you against another guy if you’re wrong?                   

C: Um, hello, Yes I do expect you to defend me even if I’m wrong. We’re supposed to be a unit, meaning if he steps to me your suppose to knock him out and then when we get to the house say ” baby now you know you were wrong for that, right?

The1: Yes, he better what’s the point of you being there if I have to defend myself against a man.

L: right is right, wrong is wrong. Everybody is different and every individual is entitled to their own opinion

K: Of course, because if it gets out of control are you just gonna sit there an not do anything?

N: If I’m wrong, tell me I’m wrong, to the side tho. Don’t have me looking crazy in front of other people lol. Just don’t let anyone disrespect me.

When should we give up on pursuing you?                                                                        C: Honestly, when you think you have done all you can but your still not getting a response then just call it quits. There is no need to destroy your ego thinking you’ve done something wrong and really it’s just the woman.                                                                 L: The answer is NEVER. I feel like that is where most people lose interest in their relationship. Someone or maybe even both parties in the relationship should continue pursuing the way they did at the beginning of the relationship. People get comfortable, but you have to keep chasing each other like you never got one another. One mans’ trash is another mans’ treasure. When the spark is lost, the individual will find that spark somewhere else.

K: You should stop when I just start ignoring you.

N:  I don’t think you should give up on what you really want. Because what’s worth it won’t come easily and what’s easy certainly ain’t worth it.

What is the first thing you notice about a man?                   

C: His eyes and his smile, I’m a sucker for a man with pretty teeth and eyes.

The1: His height, I don’t like short men.

L: The first thing I notice about a MAN is his communication. Communication is key to anything.

K: Their eyes. The first time I see a guy I always look at their eyes first.

N: The first thing I notice about a man is his personality. I don’t like a man that’s too cocky that he thinks the whole world is at his feet. I love a man who knows who he is and what he wants.

Do girl’s find it attractive when men claim to have “lot’s of options?”                   

C: Hell Naw, there is nothing worse than a man that claims he has multiple women, that means I’M one of those options and by no means am I an option to anyone.

The1: No, because if you have all these options why you at my door. how about I optionally smack your face.

L: I do not like it when a men claim to have a lot of options. Having too many options gives so much room for a lot of things to happen. Any man that claims to have many options, is a red flag for me.

K: It depends on what the dude looks like, I mean I can just say I got a lot of options too (but I don’t ).

N: Hell no. Would you?

Do girls honestly like nice guys?                                       

C: Yes, There is nothing better than a man who opens doors for you, Who is respectful, gives you his jacket when your cold. I love nice men.

L: I like nice guys, but WHAT DO YOU BRING TO THE TABLE besides being nice?

K: Yes I do. Nice guys have a great personality.                                                                               N: Yes!! I love the idea of romantic men that treat women like Queens. Absolutely! There should be more nice guys and fewer fuck boys.

How “small” is too small and how “big” is too big?                     

C: Okay let’s be honest if your **** is the same size as your middle finger that’s too small, it also depends on how he works his smaller size. With that being said I don’t want no a man with a big horse penis that will blow my walls away.

The1: Although we don’t want a man with an egg roll for a penis and anaconda isn’t desirable either. If you fall somewhere in the middle we are talking to you, if the man’s stroke is weak and he doesn’t know his count you may need practice.

L: Small is small and big is big. I can not deal with a guy who’s package is big or small. I have experienced with a guy who package was as small as pinky toe and I would NEVER do that again; I could not feel anything. I have also experienced with someone who’s package on soft was literally the length of a Pringles can; that hurt my insides so bad. I prefer someone who is medium but closer on the big side. A good 7/8/9 inches will work for me.                                                                                                                                                       N: Ain’t about the size of the boat, it’s about the motion in the ocean lol.

How can women chat to their friends about their sex lives?   

C: Honestly, I tell my friends certain things I’m not giving a play by play about what went down in the bed between my significant other and I.( Not that I currently have one).

The1: I don’t tell anyone details about my sex life, but I will throw innuendo to my friends about if it was good or bad.

L: I do not converse with others in detail about my sex life. I prefer it to stay with me and that specific person.

N: Simple. Just tell them lil details and not the whole thing. Some might wanna see for themselves smh 🤦🏾‍♀️ 👊🏾 .

Are you willing to opt out a career in order to support us? 

C: It depends on what your career choice is and if it’s realistically attainable.

The1: How about we support each other, what if I make more money am I suppose to just stop and support your dream of going from washing dishes to fries?

L: I will never opt out of my career in order to support “us”. People are so unpredictable no matter if it is your spouse, friend, family or etc. You can know people for years and one day that person switch up on you. I have to make sure at the end of the day that I am good and holding my own down.                                                                   

 K: Yes, because I can always go back and finish my career and you can be there to support me.

N: I’ll do anything necessary to support my man!

Do you think men can be best friends with a woman?             

C: No, Because I feel there will always be this (what if) in the back of his mind because let’s be honest men are created to procreate and if it’s presented they will take it.

The1: No, let’s be honest when a man sees a woman it purely physical; there will always be this ” I wonder” in the back of your mind unless he is gay, not bi.

L: MEN CAN NOT BE BEST FRIEND WITH A WOMAN. Someone is going to say/feel a certain type of way or want to try something no matter. I said what is said and I meant it. *WALKS OUT*

K: Yes, because I feel like a woman is sexist if she only has female friends. There is nothing wrong with having all female friends but having a male friend is ok also.

N: I have a male best friend. But I know me. I wouldn’t try no foolishness. I don’t really trust other women tho. Maybe if I knew her myself, then again, nah lol

Well, guys, I hope this sheds some light on the subject.

Until next time….

Online Dating: The Ugly, The Bad, and The Good

“IT’S CUFFING SEASON”.                                           Yes, the grand time when the cold brings out the ” I need love” syndrome, in the world and everyone decides it’s time to find someone to snuggle up by the fire with. I’m sure the inboxes of thousands of online daters will be packed tonight, which leads me into tonight’s discussion online dating. Now, I know there are people out there that are totally “old school”, meaning the thought of meeting someone online is almost as crazy as the computer itself. I, however, see no problem with finding someone online if the connection is right and if the person is true with their intentions. One thing for sure, dating online vs face to face are two drastically different things. I could go on and on in comparing and contrasting the two, however, I will focus on online dating instead. Dating online can be pretty convenient I mean you get to meet multiple men/ women, at once and for the faint of heart, it allows you to confidently approach someone that you normally wouldn’t in real life. Sounds cool right?? but, along with the good comes the bad.

  Catfishing(The Ugly): I’m sure everyone has either seen the show’s or heard a friend mention the phrase ” I was catfished”. For those of you who have not, the term catfish, simply means a person who pretends to be someone their not. This hands down has to be the ugly of dating online; picture this one day you look in your inbox and you see a person has contacted you. You and sed person hit it off, you exchange pictures, you talk or text on the phone from sun up to sun down. Over time you and sed person have formed a bond. So you decide it’s time to take it to the next level and meet that magical person who has been on your mind and by now worked his/ her way into your heart. You start to notice that the more you bring up the topic of meeting, your ” friend” continuously dodges the topic or continuously makes up a reason why they can’t meet you. After the constant back and forth you finally have a date to meet; you get all dolled up and when the big day arrives in walks a person you have never seen before. Sounds crazy right? well, tell that to the millions of men and women who have fallen prey to these cyber phonies. Myself being included, unfortunately, the internet has become a gateway for millions of people to impersonate other people. Some go as far as creating fake pages, identities, and even backstories just to capture their victims. (True Story: I was talking to a gentleman online and man let me tell you he was beautiful, of course, I thought to myself this man is too good to be true. Instead of just walking away and following my gut I decided to continue to talk to the gentlemen, we talked for about 4 months but I noticed he would never video chat me, and he was always moving from country to country. He said it was because of work so I didn’t doubt it. He told me he loved me and discussed marriage, I knew something was wrong but no matter what I fell in lust with the thought of this man being real. He tried to get me to share joint accounts with him, he tried to get me to open credit cards in my name and send him things but still, we never met. I decided after four months to call it quits). Later I was watching the news and there was a segment about women and men being scammed by people online claiming they were looking for love. One woman was scammed out of $40,000 dollars, I was devastated, to say the least, but at least I got out before it was too late, some people aren’t as lucky as me. False Intentions( The Bad): Don’t you hate when someone fills your head with empty promises? the promise of forever, the promise that they’re not like every women/ man? Once you finally let your guard down enough to let someone in, they string you along and play with your heart with no intentions of being faithful. Yes, this is one of the sad side-effects of dating online, after weeding out all of the crazies online you finally think you have found Mr./ Mrs. Right. He/she has the perfect conversation there is no asking for money, no asking for nudes, no awkward attempts to start a conversation. They seem in lack of a better word “perfect” for you so you decided to date. You make this decision based on the common goals and lifestyles you both claim to share. While dating this person you begin to see that the once perfect person isn’t truly so perfect. The goals aren’t matching up, in fact, you have nothing in common and your stuck trying to end a horrible relationship with this person. When dating online a person is allowed to fill your head with whatever information they need to “bed” you. Let’s be honest we all know how exhausting it is you think you meet a great person until you hear ” hey beautiful can you send me some explicit pictures”. I can’t count on my hands how many times a person has contacted me stating they want friendship or something serious but halfway into the conversation they have asked me about all my sexual fantasies and have sent me 100’s of nude pictures. It’s to the point where if I open my inbox I don’t even get surprised anymore if it’s a penis picture. I mean seriously, people just be honest about what you want from a person; you are bound to find someone with the same interest as you. By no means should you falsy lead someone on, if you want just sex then say so don’t say you want friendship and flash me anytime you get a chance.

 Convenient Match(The good): Don’t let this scare you away, there are so many pros to dating online for one it’s convenient; especially for those like myself who don’t have a lot of free time due to a variety of things. I mean let’s be realistic how much time does a single parent have to date? the answer is NONE. Of course, you try to “get out there”, but being the only parent you don’t have the luxury to have a night on the town.  Secondly, the internet allows you to use the process of elimination; you don’t have to waste time speed dating a guy only to find you have nothing in common. Most dating sites like OkCupid, Eharmony, POF, Tagged, and Match to name a few, have questionnaires that you fill out and based on your results they match you with someone with similar scores. How cool is that? they are able to match you with the person that is a perfect match to you. Thirdly, it allows a person to get to know the real you…imagine a world, where a person fell for just you. Not the way you look, not the sex, but by the actual words that come out your mouth. Online dating allows you to have that, I can’t tell you how many guys I have canceled/ blocked because even though their face was beautiful they couldn’t hold a conversation if their life depended on it.

                                                                   Just be cautious, if someone appears to be too good to be true then 9/10 times they are. Go with your gut and by all means Have fun.

 

Until next time…..

 

28, Plus-size, Single mom, and struggling with love

As I was scrolling through my Instagram this evening I ran across a picture of this plus-size model and her husband, It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. It got me to thinking about my non-existent love life, I know they say “patience is a virtue” and “good things come to those who wait”. What happens when you get tired of waiting? what happens when you’re considered beautiful in the face but too much in the waist? Honestly, in today’s society, it’s slim pickings on the good men who are actually ready to settle down and have a family. The odd’s are stacked against me and I feel as if I’m losing the battle of love, now that I’m at the end of my 20’s.

As the titled stated I’m 28, plus-size, and a single mom, trust me there is no one breaking down my door to try to even attempt to take on that challenge. I’m seen as a double negative, single mothers already have a bad rep of their own because let’s be realistic how many men want to raise another man’s child? Though there are some out there, I imagine I’m not the only woman who would notice; so again the pickings are slim. I live in the millennial generation and most of those men aren’t even ready to be parents nor are they mentally ready enough to understand what it means to DATE a single mother. Not to mention the men/women who feel they shouldn’t have to play daddy/mommy to date a woman/man, umm HELLO, just because you’re dating a woman/man with kids doesn’t mean we want you to play DADDY/MOMMY, we just want you to be a positive role model because you will one day be around our children. If you choose to stay our children will emulate you. I can’t tell you how many times I have tried to talk to a man to get him to understand that dating a single mother or parent for that matter is very difficult.

1. We don’t have much free time due to the fact that we are the only parental figure in our child’s life.
2. When we do find the time there are certain hours we may not be able to be out ( for example: if I say let’s go on a date please don’t contact me at 9 or 10 p.m. asking if I can step away). Are you serious? I have a child no I can’t “just step out” for a minute it doesn’t work like that.
3. At some point you are going to have to meet my child, let’s be realistic if you agree to try to “make it work”, with woman/man with a child you do have to eventually meet the child.
4. There could possibly be drama with the other parent, now this does happen in many cases where there is a jealous bm/bd, who just can’t let go and I mean who wants to deal with that?

All in all, it doesn’t look like a win/win for team parent, On top of me being a single parent, I’m plus size, now I could go on and on about being plus- size in America, but I’ll save that for another day. Can you imagine being a woman with so much to offer not only in smarts and drive but love? Only to be told you aren’t good enough because of the size you weight. Never in a million years would I have thought my size would be the reason why I’m still single, I thought for sure it would be because I was so reserved or because of my mouth. Hey, I’m honest I can have a smart mouth at times though I am working on it, but no none of that matters. The only thing that matters is whether or not I look a certain way, and the men who do date us, it’s usually for the wrong reasons, I don’t want a man to be with me because he sees me as some fetish. Today’s society has made dating a fat person some kind of freaky, taboo, underground thing; for instance, if you love plus-size men/women your considered to be a chubby chaser I men let’s be serious. What the hell? Why is it considered chubby chasing, but there are no skinny chaser or stick chaser? Why should someone be ashamed of dating me? I have just as much to offer no matter what size I am, whether it be a 0 or a size 30, Its just a damn number. I shouldn’t have to lose weight for the approval of a man, love has no eyes it doesn’t see color, financial standings, nor does it see size. Yet, society has conditioned us into believing that its what’s on the outside that determines whether or not you have a good mate. When, in all honesty, the person you choose with your eyes could be the worst person for you.

 However, I still want love just as much as the next person, yes I can be single but come on… who wants to be single? where is the fun in spending the rest of your life alone? where is the fun in not having someone to come home too?. Someone who you can share your good and bad days with, someone who loves you on a level that surpasses the understanding of anyone that isn’t within that relationship. I know I do, I want a family; I want to wake up next to my lover and stare at his sleeping figure trying to memorize every detail in his face. I want to share my life with someone, share my son with someone, share intimate moments with someone. You mean to tell me just because I have more weight, and I come with a child I’m not good enough for love? Those that say “you just have to have patience you can’t rush it”,” it will come naturally”, “there’s a lid for every pot”, let me ask you this. What else am I suppose to do? I literally can’t do anything but wait for a man to feels I am worth more than to be a sexual object, a secret, an EASY TARGET, because you think my self-esteem is so low that I would allow myself to be treated any kind of way. I’m sure one day love will find me, but at 28 my internal clock is ticking, I don’t want to look up and be 35 and still in this situation. With that being said I don’t care if I’m a plus-size mother  I will not settle any longer. I owe it to myself and my child. So I’ll leave you with this… love not with the eyes, but the heart because what happens if your site is taken from you?

 

 

-Good night …